Sunday, May 07, 2006

Rejected leading men for Basic Instinct 2

David Morrissey is the male lead in the upcoming sequel Basic Instinct 2. I think I speak for cinephiles everywhere when I say: David Morrissey? Would you give a major movie part to the guy who recorded Vauxhall and I? And does he really think that teaming up with Sharon Stone is a better idea than getting back together with Johnny Marr?

David Morrissey and Sharon Stone.



You may wonder how desperate to cast this role the producers of this movie must have been if they settled for an unknown like Morrissey--who, according to his entry in the Internet Movie Database, has appeared in such summer blockbusters as Butterfly World (2003), Fanny and Elvis (1999), and Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off (2004). I'll answer that: very desperate. Around this time last year, I received a phone call:

"Hi, I'm the casting director for Basic Instinct 2. Is this Greg Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"We'd like to offer you a starring role in the movie opposite Sharon Stone. Interested?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not a professional actor. The last acting I did was in my high school's production of The Music Man. I sang 'Shipoopi.'"

"Which is exactly why we're calling you! The script calls for someone who can sing 'Shipoopi'!"

"Did you just make that up?"

"....yes. Please do the role. No one else will do it. We're desperate."

"Why don't you ask the guy who was in the first one? You know, who married the cell phone chick?"

"Michael Douglas turned us down two weeks after the first movie opened. And everyone else we've asked has turned us down too. They're saying that no one wants to see this sequel and it'll kill their career."

"Well, I'm not doing it either. There's always a chance that someday I'm going to quit my job and move to Hollywood and put together a film in which I'm bitten by a radioactive shark and turned into a superpowered ninja and then I team up with Allyson Hannigan to lay the smack down on Bill Napoli and Dick Cheney. I won't be able to do any of that if I already have a film on my resume that's the film noir equivalent of From Justin to Kelly."

"Well, thanks for your time, Greg. Although you didn't have to be such a @*&!* about it."

"Whatever. By the way, since I'm not even in the Screen Actors Guild, I assume I'm the very last person on your list?"

"Almost. Next we're going to call Matthew Modine."

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