A.K.A. Alias

I can’t wait to tell you about the episode of "Alias" that I just saw! It had:

That old story technique of kicking things off with a nail-biting cliffhanger that actually happens later in the story

A funny tech guy who interrupts others with charming nonsequiturs

Heartwarming guest appearances by Greg Grunberg

McGuffins so oblique that even the characters don’t understand what they are

Jennifer Garner as…no wait…it was actually Tom Cruise.

Mission Impossible III may have allowed former TV writer/director J.J. Abrams to move up the Hollywood food chain and shoot a major summer tentpole, but the results don’t come close to reaching the level of Alias’s “A” game—despite Abrams-style elements at play (including former “Felicity” star Keri Russell playing a supporting role as a secret agent). Abrams’s camera barely stops moving, and his screenplay trots the characters around the globe, but the set pieces themselves appear more pallid than eye popping. And wasn’t the whole bit with characters disguising themselves with latex masks played out in the previous sequel? Or at least in the two Scooby Doo movies?

Philip Seymour Hoffman classes up the joint as the bad guy, and Michelle Monaghan offers up some kiss kiss to go along with all the bang bang. But the relentless sound and fury fails to get the pulse racing, or prevent compulsive watch checking. Tom, I know Sydney Bristow. I’ve worked with Sydney Bristow. And you, sir, are no Sydney Bristow.